jokes:

(some of these may be considered pretty raw, if you are squirmish wee girl)

Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's cock.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap the bitch

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Fucking nothing, you've already told her twice !!!!

Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch.

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit

Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.

Q: What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with cheese

Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Q: What is better than winning gold at the paralympics?
A: Walking!

Q: What do women and tornadoes have in common?
A: In the beginning they both suck and blow but you just end up losing your house.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!

Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand!

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to suck my cock.

Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it

Q: What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left with is a greasy box.

Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 year old girl?
A: You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for 2 weeks telling you it loves you.

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way?
A: You'll feel her crack.

Q: What does a bulimic call two fingers?
A: Dessert.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room starts spinning.

Regards

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"  The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.  He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "My point, exactly."

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.  The first lady has a stroke.  The second lady has a stroke.  But the third lady doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.